Those Words from A Dad Which Helped Us as a First-Time Dad

"I think I was simply just surviving for twelve months."

Former Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the difficulties of fatherhood.

But the reality soon became "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Severe health problems around the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her chief support as well as caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, every change… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he reached burnout. It was a talk with his own dad, on a park bench, that led him to understand he required support.

The direct phrases "You are not in a good spot. You must get support. How can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and find a way back.

His story is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. While society is now better used to discussing the pressure on moms and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the difficulties fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan feels his challenges are linked to a broader failure to communicate among men, who often internalise negative notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and stays upright with each wave."

"It's not a sign of failure to seek help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, says men often don't want to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be asking for help" - especially in front of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental well-being is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the chance to request a pause - going on a few days overseas, separate from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He came to see he had to make a adjustment to consider his and his partner's emotional states as well as the practical tasks of caring for a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has changed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotional life and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen did not have consistent male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, deep-held emotional pain caused his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "terrible actions" when he was younger to modify how he felt, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as an escape from the anguish.

"You find your way to things that aren't helpful," he notes. "They may short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will eventually make things worse."

Tips for Getting By as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - when you are swamped, speak to a friend, your other half or a counsellor about your state of mind. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the pursuits that allowed you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical health - nutritious food, getting some exercise and if you can, resting, all are important in how your mental state is faring.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - sharing their journeys, the messy ones, as well as the good ones, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that seeking help is not failure - looking after yourself is the best way you can support your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead provide the safety and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the frustrations in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their struggles, altered how they communicate, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… processing things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I said, at times I believe my purpose is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am understanding an equal amount as you are on this path."